AAAAAAHH! NO PLOT BUNNIES! NO!

Dove: *cheerful* Oh, yes plot bunnies! And this is how it would go... Dorian is on his way through the big dark woods to visit his sick... accountant. Unbeknownst to-

Whizzy: *interrupts* He's on foot? Dorian would never *walk*!

Dove: *glares* The Masarati is in the shop. So yes, Dorian Red Riding Hood is *walking* through the woods. Unbeknownst to our hero-

Whizzy: Since when is Blondie the hero of the story? I thought the woodsman was the hero of the story. We *are* going to have a woodsman, aren't we?

Dove: *glares harder* Yes, there *will* be a woodsman. No, he's not the hero of the story. Now will you let me continue???

Whizzy: *smiles* Of course.

Dove: Thank you. Now... where were we?

Whizzy: Unbeknownst...

Dove: Ah, yes -- unbeknownst to our hero- Wait...

Whizzy: What?

Dove: I changed my mind. Dorian Red Riding Hood is not the hero of the story either.

Whizzy: Don't tell me...

Dove: Special Agent Klaus Heinz Von Dem Eberbach -- codename 'The Wolf' -- was trailing a suspected KGB operative through the woods. Suspected because the man was wearing the most garish crimson velvet ankle-length cape it had ever been the misfortune of Klaus' eyes to become acquainted with. KGB operatives, in his experience, always wore bland suits three years out of style, dark sunglasses, and hid behind newspapers.

Whizzy: Even in the woods? I mean, there are a lot of trees in the woods, and fallen debris underfoot, and walking with your face in a paper and not knocking into anything would be nearly impossible.

Dove: *twitch* Klaus does it all the time. Haven't you read the manga?

Whizzy: Yeah, but he's KLAUS. Klaus the wonderful, Klaus the perfect. KGB operatives are just henchmen.

Dove: They cut eye-holes.

Whizzy: Oh.

Dove: May I continue?

Whizzy: Be my guest.

Dove: Special Agent Klaus 'The Wolf' was suspicious of the man in red, even though-

Whizzy: I just thought of something else.

Dove: *sigh* Well??? Spit it out!

Whizzy: Isn't Klaus 'The Wolf' a little too much like Mischa 'The Cub'? I mean, Klaus 'The Tank' would have been better, since it doesn't rely on animal imagery, or even Klaus 'The Boar' would have made more sense, with the Eberbach connection...

Dove: *fuming* This story has neither a tank nor a boar! It does, however, have need of a wolf! And Klaus is it!

Whizzy: *chastised* Okay.

Dove: *aHEM!* Klaus was suspicious of the man in red, even though he wasn't wearing a boring suit, sunglasses, or a newspaper. Klaus was suspicious because he was obviously heading to some secret hideout deep in the woods, and because in the picnic-basket shop he'd purchased and made off with the exact basket that had a hidden-

Whizzy: *rolls her eyes* Oh, PLEASE! Not the microfilm capsule again!

Dove: *pokes out his tongue* Hey, I stick with what works.

Whizzy: In other words, you like clichéd plot-conveniences. What other diabolical weapons lurk in your literary arsenal? Will puns be next?

Dove: *s~i~g~h* The exact basket Klaus had been sent to retrieve, which had a hidden microfilm capsule in the handle.

Whizzy: *opens her mouth*

Dove: *With* microfilm in it -- yes!

Whizzy: *^_^*

Dove: Either the man in red was a total idiot, foppish and oblivious to the world at large and plain, damned lucky, or he was the best KGB operative Klaus had ever tangled with.

Whizzy: Tangled! Tangled as in 'grappled' tangled? As in, writhing limbs and hard thrusting bodies, twined in sweat-dampened sheets? That sort of tangled? *whispers* This is foreshadowing, isn't it?

Dove: Which you just RUINED admirably!

Whizzy: Sorry!

Dove: *grumble* I hate being your muse.

Whizzy: No you don't. I let you play rough with all the pretty men. Now, continue!

Dove: *blush* Well, ah... Oh, right. The best KGB operative Klaus had ever tangled with. Buffoonery might cloak finesse, and Klaus could appreciate the subtlety and nerve it took to hide in plain sight... So he followed the man, stealthily through the sparse underbrush, stalking like his namesake a very unusual prey. So deep in the woods, he could have simply confronted the man. But KGB operatives were much like NATO agents, and never worked alone. This man probably had accomplices he was traveling to meet. They might be expecting trouble after the man returned, but not before. If Klaus could skirt ahead and reach his destination first, he could lay a trap and catch them all!

Whizzy: Accomplices? You said Dorian was on his way to visit his accountant. That means... OH DEAR GOD! He's going to *eat* James!

James: *wails* No~oooo!!! I'm too skinny and miserable to eat!

Dorian: *eyes gleaming* Don't be absurd! If anyone's getting eaten by Klaus, it's going to be me!

Whizzy: Um... Wrong sort of 'eating', Dorian darling. I suspect Klaus isn't too keen on the sort of 'eating' which involves his lips closing lovingly on your turgid, steely-

Dove: *pointing* aHA! Pun!

Whizzy: He said it, not I.

Dorian: *shrug* What can I say? I live in a castle, but my mind resides in the gutter.

Whizzy: Scoot over and make room. I think I'll join you.

Dove: May I continue???

Whizzy and Dorian: Please do.

James: May I live in the gutter too? It seems like a nice, miserable place...

Dove: *ignores him* Intending to lay a trap for the suspected KGB operative and whatever accomplices might be waiting for him at the hideout, Klaus flanked the man in red and sprinted ahead on down the path. He soon came to a cabin. A tiny, ramshackle, miserable cabin that was surely a fire-hazard and ought to have been condemned twenty years ago. In short, the perfect hideout. Klaus marched straightaway to the door, which wasn't exactly necessary as there was a gaping hole in the wall only a few feet to the left, but as Klaus is a proper though direct sort of person, only the door would do for him. He pounded sharply with a fist, rattling the door off one of its rusted hinges.

...

...

...

Whizzy: *psst* James-kun! That's your cue!

James: *huddled in the corner* I don't want to answer it. He's horrible and nasty and he's probably going to yell at me.

Klaus: *yelling* Come out with your hands up! I've- Er, WE'VE got the place surrounded!

James: *wails* *busts through the back wall and runs headlong into the woods*

Whizzy: *blinks*

Klaus: *wanders around back to inspect the hole* Hmph.

Dove: As I was saying... Klaus found the cabin deserted, and quickly set about creating his trap for the man in red. He would need a disguise-

Klaus: Wait just a Gott-damned minute... *holding up suspiciously an old-granny nightie, pink with lace and ruffles* I refuse.

Dove: You can't!

Klaus: *sneer* Watch me.

Dove: Your quarry, the man in red -- he's approaching! You don't have any time to waste!

Klaus: I don't care. I'm not wearing *that*. I'll just do what I normally do -- hide behind the door and tackle him when he enters.

Dove: But that's not the way the story goes! Whizzy, little help?

Whizzy: *purrs* Why, of course. *smiles at Klaus* Trust me, you don't want to mess up the story.

Klaus: I most certainly do! Give me one good reason that I shouldn't!

Whizzy: Don't you know? This story is a classic! A cultural heritage of the nation! You should be honored to be given a part in this production! You want to do it right, don't you?

Klaus: *whimper* Cultural heritage of the nation?

Whizzy: Yes, that's right. Cultural heritage.

Dove: *whispers* Which nation? I thought Charles Perrault was French.

Whizzy: *pales* For the love of God, don't tell him that!

Klaus: *pauses, half-dressed in pink gingham* Did you say something?

Whizzy: Nothing, Darling. You look fabulous!

Dove: Thus, properly attired in his disguise, our hero slipped into bed, awaiting the arrival of the man in red.

Klaus: This is silly. I won't be able to move in this dress. I'll be too busy tripping over my hem-line to worry about catching that operative.

Whizzy: Who says you'll be wearing that night-gown for long?

Klaus: What was that?

Whizzy: I said, you'll just have to think up another way to capture him. Be creative -- you can't solve every problem with violence.

Klaus: *skeptical* I don't know... It hasn't failed yet.

Dove: Excuse me, but could we move on? Soon, there was a knock at the poor abused door. It was Dorian Red Riding Hood, inquiring about the health of his poor sick accountant.

...

...

...

Dove: I said, there was a knock-

Dorian: *sneaking in the back way* OH MY GOD! WHAT AN ENORMOUS CO-

Whizzy: *smacks him* Not yet, you ninny! *tosses the script at his head*

Klaus: *tugs the covers up to his chin* What? How?!? You peeked when I was changing, you PERVERT!!!

Dorian: *slinks up to the bed, stripping along the way* Perhaps... *purring* Aren't you going to eat me now?

Klaus: *covers up to his eyes* *whimper*

Whizzy: Oh, this is bad -- very bad. We're gonna have to cue the woodsman early at this rate, to rescue our wolf! Where is that woodsman?

Z: *plucking at the front of his plaid flannel shirt* Somehow this doesn't seem right...

Whizzy: *aghast* Oh, it's worse than not right. It's awful! I asked for a woodsman, not Paul Bunyan! Where is the SKIN? *smacks her forehead* Honestly, people...

Stagehands Zechs and Treize: *grinning* Right, skin! *begin to gleefully strip Z down to the waist*

Z: *protesting weakly* Hey!

Whizzy: *nods* Good. And while you're at it, make sure you oil him up thoroughly.

Stagehands Zechs and Treize: *lecherous grins* With pleasure!

Z: MEEP!

Dove: Wait... The woodsman isn't supposed to rescue the wolf!

Whizzy: Well, someone is going to have to! *points to the source of the sounds of struggle and girlish squealing*

Dove: *eyes bug* I didn't know that was possible. I mean, I'd heard stories, but...

Whizzy: *appreciative smirk* The blonde mink is rather talented, isn't he?

Dove: And flexible! But- HA! Another pun! Busted!

Whizzy: It's so obscure that it doesn't count. I mean, just because I made *you* watch Ai no Kusabi twenty times...

Stagehands Zechs and Treize: Your woodsman is ready! *send Z in with fond slaps to the ass* Go get 'em, tiger!

Z: *stumbles over to the bed* *eyes the roiling covers dubiously* I... Uh... Sir? Is that you under there?

Dove: Wow, this kid's good. How does he know Klaus is under there?

Whizzy: Simple. That voice squealing in virginal terror? It's doing so with a German accent. As Klaus is the only other German in the story...

Dove: Ah. Still...

Whizzy: I agree. He is a pretty bright fellow. *wince* Ohh... but he should have known not to get so close to the bed.

Dove: Is that fair?

Whizzy: Two against one? Or should that be two on one? *cackle* And yes, it's perfectly fair. About even, I think. Our Earl is more than a match for two healthy German boys.

Dove: You certainly have a lot of faith in him.

Whizzy: *beginning to pack up* He hasn't disappointed yet.

Dove: *moves to help* So... I suppose this means we've reached the end of the story. And no one died! I'm surprised.

Whizzy: Do little deaths count? I believe I hear one approaching...

The Bed Trio: Uhn... Oh, yes, yes YES! Harder! YES! Who's my cream-puff? YE~ESSS!!!

Dove: *blush*

Whizzy: And before you say it -- no. Euphemism, or idiom perhaps, but not pun.

Dove: Still, it's a little sad that we've reached the end of our story.

Whizzy: It is, isn't it.

Dove: And because we're out here cleaning up, we're missing all the fun.

Whizzy: It's for the best. They need their privacy, after all, if they're to act in a completely lascivious and uninhibited manner...

Dove: In other words, you're filming the whole thing.

Whizzy: For posterity. The first showing is at my place tonight at ten.

Dove: I'll bring the popcorn.