- Text Size +
Author's Chapter Notes:
The Alphabets have the perfect plan to make Major Eberbach more bearable at work. Z has serious reservations.

One day. It had only been one day! How could so much possibly go wrong in a mere eight hours? A threw his pencil down onto his desk in resignation. The blond NATO agent gave a low growl of frustration and scrubbed at his face wearily. "It's not fair," he grumbled, leaning back in his chair to stare up at the tiled ceiling. He had taken his first personal day in memorable history to attend his sister-in-law's wedding reception, and the office had fallen apart in his absence. Literally. M was still under his desk attempting to fix its leg so that it would stop wobbling.

In response to his senior's cry of irritation, G brought over a fresh cup of coffee and offered him an understanding smile. "No, it really isn't," he said in agreement. "But at least the major left early today, right?"

"We shouldn't have to wait for him to have a meeting upstairs in order to get some work done around here without-" Reminding himself that he was supposed to be setting a good example for the others, A forced himself to calm down and not shout. "Major Eberbach is so uptight... I wish that he'd just get laid so that we could have some peace and quiet around here."

"Wouldn't that be great?" G laughed, utterly amused by the idea. Seating himself daintily on the edge of A's desk, he asked, "But where would we find a woman willing to put up with his attitude?"

Looking up from his own paperwork, E shook his head. "I don't think it's possible. She'd have to be a saint."

"Now, now," D chastised his partner, waggling his pen at him in a scolding fashion. "There are plenty of women in the world who are terrible masochists."

"Yeah," E shot back. "Your sister, maybe."

The ruckus that followed was sufficient to coax M out from under his desk. "Did I hear you properly? Are we going to get Major Eberbach laid so that he'll back off at work?"

At M's innocent, questioning words, both A and G exchanged curious expressions. "It isn't entirely a bad idea," G conceded.

"We'd have to find someone willing to do it," A pointed out, though his face clearly said that he was considering different ways to make the scheme work.

From across the room, X gave a derisive snort. "You might find the woman, but have you ever seen the major around ladies? He couldn't be less interested."

"Maybe he just doesn't like the ladies," G suggested, adjusting a curl with a suggestive smile on his face.

Wanting to keep this unexpected mid-afternoon break going, Y wheeled his chair over to the slowly forming group so that he could hear better. "If you ask me, that has to be one of the stupidest things I've ever heard."

"What? That the major might like guys better?" X followed quickly behind his partner. "It's not such a far-fetched idea. The work betting pool has the odds standing at-"

"Not that, idiot. I meant that the prospects of successfully bedding the major are so ridiculously minuscule that it's hardly worth considering."

"Can you think of another way?" A looked from agent to agent as if challenging them to come up with something else. "I'm open to suggestions if any of you has a better idea."

"A mild lobotomy might do the trick," D offered cheerfully.

Wadding up a sheet of paper, C threw it across their desks to hit the other agent upside the head. "There isn't a mild form of lobotomizing someone, stupid!"

Despite C's words, several of the agents around the room began to hum in agreement that D might have been on to something.

"Let me rephrase that." The senior-most agent rubbed at one temple in an attempt to soothe away the urge to sigh that their antics always caused. Not for the first time, A couldn't help but wonder if they acted that way on purpose just to toy with him. "Does anyone have a useful suggestion that we could actually do? We only want to calm him down a bit, not incapacitate him. You all remember how terrible it was while he was away in England, and the brass replaced him with that asshole from the Federal Information Agency?"

The memory of Major Rhodes's brief stint as their commander was enough to convince the others, and an even louder murmur of agreement rose around the room. As various Alphabets grumbled their complaints about their former CO, H raised his hand and waited dutifully to be called upon. When A gestured for him to speak, he suggested, "We could take away his cigarettes and coffee. Without nicotine and caffeine, maybe he would be less jittery?"

Leaning over to D, E muttered under his breath, "Only if he lives through the DT."

After considering H's proposal a while longer, D was forced to agree with E's assessment. "I don't think it's a good idea. If we took them away, then the major would be even grouchier than before. Plus, it wouldn't stop him. He'd simply bum more smokes off us than he already does. And I certainly don't want to go on a mission with Major Eberbach in that condition."

In an exasperated tone, K asked, "If we have a problem with the major, why don't we just go talk to his CO about it and have the colonel take care of it?"

There was a moment of silence as the rest of the Alphabet stared at K in shocked disbelief before A stood. Resting his palms flat on the desk in front of him, he faced the rest of the Alphabet with a stern expression. "All right, then, it's settled. Getting the major laid is clearly the only chance we have for keeping our sanity."

"But what if that doesn't work?"

A turned to M with a grim expression and shook his head sadly in resignation. "Then it's the lobotomy table for him."

There was a moment of silence before D loudly clapped his hands together once to draw their attention. "Okay, we need a volunteer! A brave soul willing to take a hit for the team and get Major Eberbach laid."

Y shook his head. "I don't get paid enough to be able to afford the prostitute we'd need for that."

"Besides," X broke in, "it would look highly suspicious if one of us tried, out of the blue, to get him into a place of that variety."

Grinning up at his blond coworker, E suggested, "We could offer him G."

"No!"

"Why not? You've been after him for years. Now's your chance."

For his flippant remark, a rather rude hand gesture was directed at E. "I have not," G whined in a very unladylike tone, a pout turning down his painted lips. "Besides, I can't do it. It would be all the excuse needed to transfer me. He's already moved the poster of Alaska right next to my desk. I get chills every time I look at it! It was A's idea, so he should be the one to do it."

"Yeah, and he likes you more than us anyway," Q stated in agreement, turning a stern eye on the senior agent.

A looked momentarily taken aback, but he quickly smoothed over the situation. "I think that it would be too awkward if a married man were the one trying to set this up. The major would be even less inclined to go for the bait. We need someone single."

Scanning the Alphabet for another victim, G quickly passed up B, C, D, and E. Being either married or crazy, none of them would do. X and Y were both possibilities, but they weren't the sort that the major would associate with outside the office. At the far end of the island of desks, he spied Z attempting to hide quietly behind a mountain of paperwork.

"A is right," G conceded, scooting off the desk he was seated on. "It needs to be someone with similar habits to Major Eberbach. Someone he'll trust. Someone who wouldn't make him feel threatened."

Following G's gaze across the room, A knew that their 'volunteer' had been found. Z was perfect for the job! "It has to be a person who is loyal enough to be trustworthy. Who looks up to him and follows orders."

Hesitantly, Z peeked out from behind the barrier of folders he had constructed only to find that every head in the office was turned his way. He gave a small squeak of alarm when even X and Y joined the others in nodding their approval. "Wait a minute! I never-"

Not wanting to give Z the chance to talk them out of it, A interrupted his protests. "It's obvious how much the major cares for you and respects you, Tset. Doesn't he give you special training that no one else gets? And he takes you places after work. You eat over at his house, which I'm positive he has never done with any of us. Why, you would almost be an even better candidate yourself than taking him someplace to get laid."

That gave the rest of the Alphabet a moment's pause. X was the first to speak up in his friend's defense. "Hold on - are you suggesting that we sacrifice Tset's virtue to this endeavor?"

G looked positively tickled by the prospect. "I think that it's a brilliant idea," he said brightly. "Tset is exactly the sort of person that the major needs. A person he can get close to - both in the field and in his bed."

"What in the world makes you think that he would ever want me?" Z could feel his entire face burning brightly at the prospect. Not to mention that his entire office was contemplating whoring him out without so much as considering his feelings in the matter. "He's - he's like my father! I could never ... you know?"

Q reached over to give his shoulder an encouraging pat. "The major isn't your father, and that's what's important."

"But-"

"All in favor of Tset doing the major?" A's expression was smug as every hand save Z's shot into the air. "I'm afraid the democratic process has spoken, Tset. Just remind yourself that your abnegation is for a noble cause."

"Couldn't you ask Lord Gloria to do this? I'm certain he'd be more than happy to help." Begging was not something beyond him at this point. He didn't want to be banished to America any more than the others did.

"That's one of the things you have going for you, though, Tset," insisted A, not willing to give up now that he'd found such a perfect solution. "You're not Eroica, and that's a significant point in your favor. Just think of how long the earl has been trying to get into the major's pants."

"Trying and failing spectacularly," B added helpfully. "Of course, we expect better results from such a diligent agent as yourself."

Picking up the empty dust bin beside A's desk, G turned to address the room. "All right, gentlemen. I want each of you to reach deep into your pockets and make a monetary donation to poor Tset for being such a brave man."

There was some grumbling, but one by one, wallets were produced. "How much?"

"How much is not having to sleep with Major Eberbach worth to you?" he asked back. "A proper seduction requires a few tools. Once work is over, Tset dear, we'll go shopping."

"For what?" he asked wearily. The very thought of G picking out seductive clothing for him nearly made him hide under his desk in horror.

G was visibly restraining himself from giggling as he walked back to his own desk. "For research material, of course. Never tackle a mission without being well prepared!"

"I hate you all," stated Z, although it lacked any real venom. It was pointless to argue with them at this juncture. "And if this explodes in my face, I will have absolutely no compunctions about naming each and every one of you as the originators of this insane plot."

Unable to keep himself from smirking as he spoke, G corrected him by saying, "The point of us buying you some 'research material' is so that he only explodes on your face if you want him to."

First paling then turning all new shades of red, Z sank wordlessly behind his binder barricade as the others shot catcalls in his direction. He stared hard at the case file he had been working on, though he doubted that he would get anything else done the rest of the afternoon. Instead, it would probably be spent wondering what he had ever done to deserve the sort of luck he had. Knowing his coworkers, they would undoubtedly try to get him to perform the lobotomy as well once this idiotic plot failed miserably.

You must login (register) to review.