Welcome, Darlings, to that portion of the site dedicated to you! Yes, out of a sense of generosity and noblesse oblige, I have taken it upon myself to answer your most pressing questions regarding matters of the heart! Oh, and my Darling Major and a few others have offered to "help." Just humor them, my dears, and listen to what I tell you. After all, who could possibly know more about love entanglements than yours truly?
Dear Advice for the Lovelorn,
People say life is strange, but I'm beginning to think that death is even stranger and if you get the two of them together in the same place, it's insanity. But perhaps I should clarify; I'm a doctor and a serial killer. Some time ago I met the most adorable young man you could ever wish to meet and have been chasing him relentlessly ever since. There are a few problems, however, least of which being that he's dead. Yes, that's actually a fairly minor problem, as every time I kill someone he has a *lovely* habit of showing up to play. Unfortunately he has a very *nasty* habit of bringing his business partner - an obnoxious brat I killed a few years back. What I really want to know is how to kill that interfering dead boy so i can have my love's attention all to myself.
Sincerely,
Frustrated to the point of murder in Nagano
Dorian
Oh, dear! You're going about this all wrong! First, you should really try to find someone *living* on whom to focus your affections. It's even more entertaining if you can find someone *feisty* as well -- especially if you find someone who is also gorgeous and repressed, which makes the challenge all the sweeter! You might even consider seeing a doctor yourself, since necrophilia is... well... not quite normal, and coming from *me*, that's saying a lot. But be that as it may, if you're determined to continue your pursuit of this dead man... there are times when one must simply say "the more the merrier!" My suggestion would be that you find a way to get the interfering dead boy to collaborate with you, and drag your reluctant dead would-be lover into a threesome!Klaus
It's a bit fucking late if you're saying you're that far now, isn't it? I mean, you *are* a serial killer. Dammit, doesn't anyone check to see if these god-damned letters have return addresses? I don't give a shit about your (censored by the bureau of intolerable cursing), *or* that you want to have sex with a dead man? What kind of deranged pervert are you? If I ever get my hands on you, I'm going to send you to where there's a *nest* of them in England...James
*What* is it with people these days!? Two killers in a row! *sniff* And you killed that poor dead boy who probably just worshipped the ground you walked on and adored you and kept your books and did everything you wanted! Tell the truth and shame the devil! You just want that man to yourself, and it doesn't *matter* if someone else gets hurt or killed along the way! Oh, you're a truly bad man and you ought to be punished! Turn yourself into the... oh, well, no, the ICPO is so incompetent... and NATO would probably just send you over to us... oh, dear. That would be one more mouth to feed, wouldn't it!? And then you'd kill me because *I'M* a sweet boy who just worships the ground Lord Gloria walks on and... WAHHH!!!!! LORD GLORIA~A!! Don't take in any bad people if the machine maniac sends them this wa~ay!!!!Z
Hello, Frustrated. It's nice to meet you. My name is Z, and I'll be trying to assist you with your problem. You probably think I'm a little strange, introducing myself like that, but this is my first time writing for the column, and I thought that it might help us to develop an affinity, trust, that sort of thing. Oh, yes -- your problem. It is... ah... rather complex. Difficult. If I didn't know that the Major had nothing to do with it, I would have accused him of starting me off on a very hard problem, just to break me in quickly. He's like that with his men, you know. Men, as in, the men who serve under him. Er... as in, his subordinates. That double-entendre was unintentional, I swear!Anyway, about the problem. First of all (and I've witnessed this first hand) work-related relationships don't work. They just don't. Especially when matters of rank and seniority and respect get in the way, and- Well, you obviously have no problem gathering the courage to approach your love, so we'll look at the situation from another angle. You say that his partner is always tagging along on dates? There's your problem! You're mixing business with pleasure, and some people simply can't separate the two when they're entangled. They have to be *strictly* removed from one environment and immersed in the other. (And I'm not saying this only because I disapprove of your methods -- that would be hypocritical, wouldn't it? After all, I kill too, as duty necessitates.) You should try, instead of killing to attract his attention, asking him someplace quiet and romantic, where he's *forced* to relax and focus on *you*, and not whatever recent heinous crime you've committed.
Of course, just to make *certain* that he still doesn't try to bring his business associate along, you'll probably want to make reservations at some posh restaurant for two, and make sure to get a small, intimate table.
More needful souls who have sought pearls of wisdom:
Not Gay in Tokyo
Longing for Peace and Quiet on L1
S. K.
Miserable in Bonn