Welcome, Darlings, to that portion of the site dedicated to you! Yes, out of a sense of generosity and noblesse oblige, I have taken it upon myself to answer your most pressing questions regarding matters of the heart! Oh, and my Darling Major and a few others have offered to "help." Just humor them, my dears, and listen to what I tell you. After all, who could possibly know more about love entanglements than yours truly?
Dear Advice for the Lovelorn,
I have a problem. People keep following me everywhere I go, even when I tell them to leave me alone or I'll kill them. One girl says she *wants* me to kill her; her friend is just scary. One guy actually shot at me when we first met, then decided we were best friends and followed me across the Earth. Another guy tries to copy everything I do -- he even thought about self-destructing after seeing me do it. Yet another guy tells me that he "shares my feelings," whatever that means. Still another guy claims he just wants to beat me in a fair fight, but then he goes out of his way to handicap himself. And one guy *gave* me a mobile suit -- I don't even want to think about what he wanted in return for that!
What I want to know is, at what point is it Ok for me to go ahead and kill them?
Sincerely,
Longing for peace and quiet on L1
Dorian
Oh, no no no no NO! You're going about it *quite* wrong, my dear fellow. You must never have homicidal feelings towards a man until you have taken him to your bed, tried him out thoroughly, and found him lacking. (Obviously, the ones which aren't you wouldn't want to kill, now would you? Quite the opposite! I find they're best employed chained to a luxurious wall somewhere and taken out for occasional exercise.)Now, the obsessive fellow who took a pot-shot at you and then followed you across the country is a keeper (and you can SO trust me on this), unless of course he doesn't properly, ah... fill out his shorts. Forget about any man who mimics you or talks about 'sharing feelings'. That's just... a bit too much like going to bed with yourself, and narcessism isn't a pretty thing, Darling. Be wary of the fellow with the esteem problem, and of *any* man who gives you extravagent gifts. There's *always* a catch -- usually your silence, but sometimes far worse. Why, one time this odd one wanted me to dress up in a uniform and glasses and put my hair in buns, and- Well, it's best not to get into that. Oh -- and as for the woman... Run very quickly in the opposite direction when you hear her voice, Darling. It's just best that way.
Klaus
Yes. You've wasted enough time making empty threats to them. The woman needs to be killed to keep her from interfering with your life. And every last one of those stalking pervert men needs to be killed, to make sure that you're safe. Only once they're all dead will you have peace and quiet again.James
Killing people is bad, bad, bad! Maybe all of those people just really really like you and want to spend lots of time with you! You should just pick one to spend lots and lots of time with, the one who loves you best. Definitely not the one that shot you, though! Guns are bad, especially in the hands of klutzes. Try the one who shares your feelings on for size! You might find that you like him... especially if he has lots of money. Does he have lots of money? If he does, and you don't like him, maybe you could introduce him to me. I'd really like him, if he was blond and if he would make me really miserable...More needful souls who have sought pearls of wisdom:
Not Gay in Tokyo
Frustrated to the Point of Murder in Nagano
S. K.
Miserable in Bonn