Welcome, Darlings, to that portion of the site dedicated to you! Yes, out of a sense of generosity and noblesse oblige, I have taken it upon myself to answer your most pressing questions regarding matters of the heart! Oh, and my Darling Major and a few others have offered to "help." Just humor them, my dears, and listen to what I tell you. After all, who could possibly know more about love entanglements than yours truly?
Dear Advice for the Lovelorn,
My big, awful, stuffy German pride makes it very hard for me to admit this, but... I need help. You see, I'm a repressed closet-case, and I'm absolutely terrified of coming out. I was raised to believe that being queer is BAD, so I shout and and rant very loudly all the time about how disgusting and perverted faggishness is, but the only person I'm fooling is myself. I could probably discipline myself to a chaste, tortured existence, except there's a very wonderful, handsome man who follows me around pledging eternal love and devotion. sometimes when he gets too close, I... freeze up. I get all tingly in the groin, and can't think straight, and always after I'm very angry with myself for being weak. Of course I take it all out on that poor suffering man, because I have those stupid appearances to maintain. But I always feel so guilty for doing it! I'm also afraid that one of these days he'll decide he's had enough abuse and find comfort in the arms of another man. I couldn't live with such jealousy and heartache!
Please, advise me. I want to tell him how I really feel before it's too late, but I can't seem to make myself take that first step.
Sincerely,
Miserable in Bonn
Dorian
First, I must point out that I did not write that!Second, Darling! You don't have to make the first step! Just don't resist the next time I--I mean, he, approaches you! The two of you will join in unending bliss, the likes of which the world has never seen! You'll cast off your clothing and your inhibitions, and be born anew in the glory of never-ending love!
p.s.- if this is someone's idea of a late April Fool's joke, I *will* find you, and hurt you!
Klaus
You 'miserable' son of a bitch!I'll give you tingly in the groin when I get my hands wrapped around your miserable--
WHICH ONE OF YOU DID IT? Eroica, you goddamned idiot, this isn't funny! I want a hand writing sample *NOW*, and a copy of this piece of filth, and I'll get down to the bottom of this! You fucking bastards...
James
James-kun will not be answering this week. He seems to have hyperventilated to the point of passing out.Oops.
James-kun also suspects that Z might be in deep pain by the next time anyone sees him.
Z
Dear Miserable,I hope that your cruelty doesn't extend past that poor man who loves you, as I would hate to think that you're also taking out your childish anger on your poor poor co-workers, who are surely a loyal, steady group and not in the *least* to blame for your unwillingness to face facts.
You. Are. Queer.
My God are you queer. Groin-tingly moments of utter panic don't happen unless you're in the presence of someone you're totally hot for, but at the same time afraid of. Coward! You need to stop running, find some courage and some mercy and give in! I'm sure the nice man who loves you will be *more* than happy to help you work off all that bottled sexual frustration. You'll be a kinder, more relaxed and happier individual once you've been laid a time or three.
Sex will probably increase your lifespan, too, because if you don't get some soon, your co-workers are going to *murder* you for a little peace!!
More needful souls who have sought pearls of wisdom:
Not Gay in Tokyo
Longing for Peace and Quiet on L1
Frustrated to the Point of Murder in Nagano
S. K.