Welcome, Darlings, to that portion of the site dedicated to you! Yes, out of a sense of generosity and noblesse oblige, I have taken it upon myself to answer your most pressing questions regarding matters of the heart! Oh, and my Darling Major and a few others have offered to "help." Just humor them, my dears, and listen to what I tell you. After all, who could possibly know more about love entanglements than yours truly?
Dear Advice for the Lovelorn,
You're the only ones I can talk to about this; please help me! I'm straight, I swear I am! But I keep having these... thoughts about my male co-workers. Naughty thoughts. I'm so ashamed--I don't know what to do about it! I found a nice girl, and we went out for a while. I really think we hit it off... but something just didn't click right. I think I first realized it when I told her I was a florist--that was when I noticed that I had my legs crossed at the knee and my hands folded neatly. Is it possible for a red-blooded man to turn into a sissy if he's around flowers all day?
And if that's the case, can anything be done to reverse the effects? Or can you at least tell me if my co-workers might be experiencing the same effect?
Sincerely,
Not Gay in Tokyo
Dorian
Dear Deluded in Tokyo,Darling, there is nothing sadder than denial! I notice that you didn't mention having "feelings" for a specific co-worker, but rather a general sort of desire for *all* of them. Not only are you gay (or at least bisexual), you're a repressed slut! Take a look around you, Darling. You're surrounded by attractive men, who work with flowers. Do they wear jewelry? Eye-catching clothing that bares skin suggestively? Do they pal around with you in an endearing (if clingy) sort of way?
If so, the answer is a resounding yes! Straight men do not make their living selling flowers, Darling, plain and simple. Take my advice and give your nearest gorgeous co-worker a sultry smile. If he shows interest, for God's sake pursue it! The closet is no place to live, Darling; it's only good for hanging clothes in after you've taken them off each other!
And if you do manage to tiptoe through the tulips with one or more of your co-workers, do write back to tell me about it--I'd love to hear all the juicy details!
Klaus
You flaming Poofter,Straight men don't work in fucking flowershops, or think perverted thoughts of other men! The flowers, you moron, are just a symptom of your disgusting sickness, not a cause!
Leave good, honest women alone and never have children. Ever.
James
We~ell, it happens to the best of us! Being gay, that is! There's nothing wrong with being gay, and obviously you've just been mistaken up until now about your own sexual persuasion! *nodnod* You shouldn't blame it on your work; after all, I'm an accountant, and *I'm* gay! *nodnod* Being gay is nice! You get all the prettiest boys and you don't have to deal with scary women who'd just want to take your money and buy stuff with it! Of course, Lord Gloria is almost as bad, sometimes, but I love him, so I don't fuss nearly as much when he spends money as I should. I just can't help myself! When he looks at me, and he's got that expression like he's going to do... IT, I just fall all to pieces! I'd even let him buy a new red car or something when he looks at me like that, if only he'd promise to keep to the economic speed... Oh, I hope he doesn't read this week's column! He'll be spending money right and left! *frets*Z
To begin with, pay the Major no heed if he calls you a flaming poofter. He calls everyone that -- it has nothing to do with your problem. Second, don't *dare* let him read my reply. The consequences could be bad, to say the least. Bad with a capital Anchorage... Anyway, I'm the perfect person to talk to about your problem, as I've, er, been in the same position myself. Not the flowers, mind. God no -- but your problem isn't flowers, unless stacks of paperwork and firearms can also turn a good German boy's thoughts to lust when certain delicious male co-workers enter the office.The only thing to do is stop lying to yourself. If thinking of the men in your life makes you all tingly in the groin, you're gay. Or at the very least bisexual. Yeah -- just say you're that. Because, well, it's better than admitting that you're simply horny and want to fuck every pretty thing that crosses your path.
More needful souls who have sought pearls of wisdom:
Longing for Peace and Quiet on L1
Frustrated to the Point of Murder in Nagano
S. K.
Miserable in Bonn